I know a lot of people who have either been part of this debate / debunking of the myth that is ‘Hindi is the National language of India’. Most of us respond by throwing facts / court judgements and internet links that debunk this myth and show how the Indian Constitution begs to differ with the myth. Also, few of my friends who are a little more pissed off than the others, go a bit further and quote a rhetoric from one of the Dravidian leaders during the Dravidian Agitations of the 40s-60s (yeah, one of the little black dudes from the place where they don’t burn Raavan and don’t go crazy on Diwali) that goes ‘If Hindi is to be made the National language just because it’s spoken by the largest population, then by the same logic the crow should be the National bird, the rat / dog should be the National animal’ etc., etc. So basically we tell everyone what Hindi isn’t; it IS NOT THE National language. But we fail to tell what it IS, and yes, if India was Middle-Earth and THE ONE RING could choose to be a language, it would be Hindi. I’ll tell you why.
“Nineteen rings were made by the elven-smiths of Eregion, led by Celebrimbor. These were grouped into three rings for the Elves, seven rings for the Dwarves, and nine rings for men. One additional ring, The One Ring, was forged by Sauron himself at Mount Doom.” – Cate Blanchett. (Lady Galadriel really)
So let me attach some Indian characteristics to these races and another race which was sadly ignored.
3 rings were given to the Kannadigas who were the fairest of them all (them here means the southerners). They give Middle-Earth some powerful characters who make stupid decisions when the lives of practically all of Middle-Earth is at stake. Elrond just stood aside and let Isildur wreak havoc at Mount Doom and Aishwarya Rai chose to be Aishwarya Rai Bachchan of her own accord. Generations of Tolkien fans have argued over this and generations of Aishwarya fans shall continue to argue without really reaching any remotely sane scenario where these can be justified.
7 rings to the Tamilians who were miners and love their gold and are generally disliked by our neighbours because we are too proud for some reason.
Proof: the 1995 extravaganza wedding of Sudhakaran, JJ’s foster son (one golden Gopuram doth not a spectacle make, we ‘Litt’ up the whole city brother!) The small incident where we leased one whole bloody dam for 999 years in exchange for peanuts, some rice and poultry. We go to war over water with all our neighbours on a fortnightly basis, but we’d never hurt anyone man, I swear.
9 rings to the Telugu folk who were numerous and fought among themselves and lived in chaos.
Proof: We don’t need the British or Jinnah to partition our country anymore man! We can do it ourselves and confuse property worth millions and uproot and relocate Govt. servants. God! They even speak the same language / dialects of the same language.
0 rings and F@#s given to the north-eastern brethren (the hobbits) who collectively don’t mean shit in the functioning of the Middle-Earth but some very powerful and pivotal characters in the plot come from here. (I mean, ignore them, kick them and abuse them at your homes until there comes a time when you realize you really need them to do your job because you are not man enough to do it)
The Malayalis have not been mentioned here because…… Because it’s ‘God’s Own Country’ brother! They are from Valinor which is a peninsula slightly to the west of Middle Earth (read UAE and Oman) and they’re really here only on vacation. Really!
And now THE ONE RING to rule them all which was forged in the dark, in the Black Gates of Delhi much later (like at least some 700 years after all the above languages came into existence) by the Mughals who literally (forgive moi for using ‘literally’ while this whole post is figurative in nature), literally, forged the language from Sanskrit and Persian, killing both the parent languages right at birth. The state of Sanskrit is bleak. Only a few clans of isolated elves actually converse in this ancient tongue as rumours go.
So to all the minions of Sauron who want THE ONE RING to rule them all and go around arguing how it would be awesomatic if we just bent over and let you do your job, bad luck people. We’ve been fighting you here in the south for 50 years and many gave up their lives to stop you from officially being named THE ONE RING in the annals of the Constitution of Middle-Earth.
Edit 1: So I came to know that all of India’s Tiger population comes from the three Southern states of Karnataka, Tamil Nadu and Kerala. Also Tigers are coming back to India, much like how the Riders of Rohan came back at the end of Two Towers! So… basically.. Tiger is our national animal and if they spoke a language, that’d become our national language logically raiightt!? You see where this is going?
Disclaimer: All of what has been said is purely satire and the factual accuracy and political correctness could have been compromised for artistic success (;P) I do not mean to hurt the sentiments of any Hindi speaking community or ANY community for that matter. All resemblances to any state Actual, Dead or Bifurcated is purely coincidental and is in no way intended, so forgive the frivolousness of this post. I mean, yeah! I do not want ANY language to be THE National language and this is written to mean that and only that. Do ! search for logic + grammatical errors in this post
for (there = many, there++)